A few months back I was watching a show on Animal Planet regarding a three-legged dog and the physical, emotional, and mental challenges she faced after losing a leg. Last night, in what I am sure was an Ambien induced sleep coma, I dreamt of the silly dog and her feats.
I woke up this morning realizing that I am that three legged dog, not literally of course. The shock of William’s diagnoses is still (and forever will be) a raw fact that I deal with on a daily basis. A prognosis such as this is not something you simply accept, at least not for me, not yet. There have been the occasions that I’ve allowed myself the selfish self-pity moments to sit in the proverbial dark corner and lick my wounds. Through that gesture and accepting my emotions for what they were, I realized that similar to the dog, I was mourning the loss of the lifestyle we used to have. No longer able to participate what was once everyday family activities, the dog felt a sense of loss and grief. I was/am saddened by the loss of our once simple, casual, predictable and uncomplicated lifestyle. I was/am mourning the loss of my home, sleeping beside my Randell, and being a normal mommy with normal mommy problems.
Rhema Butler, a DSRCT warrior that watches down on us from heaven, was the inspiration behind her mother, Kirsten’s, new web/blog site. I highly encourage everyone to take a box of Kleenex and spend a few minutes reading the entries. The honest, no hold back, in your face reality about Momcologists is written from self-experiences and factual information. –NOTE- Not recommended for the naïve! http://www.momcologist.com/?page_id=28. In a section of yesterday’s posting Kirsten wrote the following “One day while my daughter was in the middle of a long in-patient hospital stay I found myself really feeling a sense of loss and desire for those “old ways”, for MY house, for MY stability. I opened an email my mother sent me entitled “Where ever you are, BE there”. It was one of those quaint, wrap it all up in a pretty bow philosophy kind of emails. But something in it really struck a chord with me. A realization came over me that I was so intent on aching for how things “used to be” and longing for “my old life” that I was missing out on my present living. I was so overly attached to the concepts in my head and heart for how things “ought to be” that I was causing myself additional suffering. And even worse – EVEN WORSE – I was allowing those attachments to distract from what was right in front of my face: my daughter. I was missing out on enjoying her, visiting with her, loving her, experiencing what each moment was waiting to give to not only me, but to that daughter of mine. In that moment of realization I made a concentrated effort to let go of those attachments and enjoy what unfolded in each moment. It was a conscious decision and one I worked on many times throughout the weeks and months that followed” Kirsten did not write the post specifically for me; however, the words could not have come to me at any better time. For me there was a sense of comfort in knowing that the emotions and fears I face were the same as those of another mom and she was able to provide experience and eventual resolve to my grief.
Similar to the dog, I have now accepted the realization that our past lifestyle is in the past and it will never again be the same. In order for me get past this sadness, and get back to the responsibilities at hand, I need to embrace the reality and somehow carve out a future filled with equal excitement, joy, laughter, dreams, love and family values.
Adaptation is an amazing thing, the three-legged dog spent a few months mourning the loss of her old lifestyle but her sadness was replaced with the immense joy of her new favorite activities, skateboarding and water skiing.
Today is a better day; I am refusing to let it be anything else. William was placed in isolation so unfortunately we are a little restricted to what we can do but, I will still embrace each moment and experience without allowing myself to mourn for something that will never again be as it was.
Below are a few of the memories we have from the past 18 months and looking at them now I am reminded about how blessed we truly have been.
As always, this is William's journey and we will Keep on Keepin on' and Live Strong with God in our hearts and courage in our souls.
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